when will our conversations stop revolving around men?

please free me and my homegirls

While I have always wanted to be a “strong independent woman,” or completely exist outside the box of social constructs, I have still continuously centered men in my life in some way — my father (this is all his fault), male friends (who I somehow felt like I felt more understood and less judged by), or yet another romantic interest (that I desperately hoped but knew would never fully love me in my wholeness).

I have one great friend who — since we first met our freshman year of college — has been someone I get together with for coffee or food every few months to catch up (I miss her, it’s been way too long). A few years ago, though, I realized that every time we met up, I felt like I was telling her about yet another man who I loved, or longer for, or lusted over, or tried to build a relationship with, or failed to.

At some point I wondered: “Why is this all of our conversations?”

We also had education, dreams, passions, work, and inner emotions about ourselves to discuss — and while I’m sure we did to some extent — our romantic life felt too heavily centered.

At that point, I really wanted our next conversation to not center a man. And, I’m sure it didn’t change too much and we still talk about romance, but I did become more conscious then of not making only desire the center or start of every one of our quarterly conversations.

How are YOU? Tell me about what you are enjoying about life and how you’re feeling about yourself. What are you moving towards?

Recently, years of growth later, I have met some new amazing talented women in my community who are also leading cool things in the arts space in Detroit. I met up with one of them a few months ago to talk potential collaboration and shared interests. The conversation began with that — and by the end — had veered into our dating life and us discussing men who yet again did not live up to what we truly deserve or desire.

Then, we met up again with another woman a couple of months later…Same thing. Somehow this conversation that was supposed to be about a shared love for writing became more about the men who inspire it. Yearning, yearning, yearning.

Why are we talking about this???

Again — with another woman just about a week ago — a somewhat similar occurrence. We didn’t talk too much about our personal lives, but I repeatedly heard “the guy I’m seeing” in places where it felt like bringing that up wasn’t needed for what we were discussing. Like a subtle nod at a current desire.

On one hand, having these more personal conversations about dating made me feel like “OMG yay this is not just a business meeting, these could be my new friends. We are talking about real life.”

But really, the same question came to my head: “Why do all of our conversations come back to men and dating? Will this ever stop?”

None of this is a knock at the women I was with. I do it as well — frequently — and now try to stop myself when it’s not necessary and talk about something more important.

We are all doing amazing things — building communities, creating art, pouring our emotions int beautiful writing, and growing in who we are as women in our 20s. Yes, romance is a part of that, but a part of me despises much we center it — even us women who are so badass without it.

Even in my closest friendships, it is clear that my conversations with some are more well rounded, while others mainly exist as a shared space to discuss how we feel about the men in our life that week. Sometimes that is fun and I love having people whom I don’t feel judged by for my desire and shortcomings (of still centering men too much).

But, I also do not want me or any woman in my life to be shaped by it.

We are so much more! We are doing so much more! We are all KILLING it! (Usually no thanks to them)

So, while I’m sure I will continue to discuss my love life, my crushes, my desires, and dating with the people in my life, and have fun doing it; I also strive to do it less, and make sure I talk to women about THEM and all the dope shit they are doing. THAT is the most personal and real.

And, when someone who loves us properly comes along, it will be discussed lightly as a great addition to our lives, rather than a reoccurring disappointment.

We NEED to focus on us. Most of this, I am telling to myself.

please free me and my homegirls <3